


I guess we're wired differently

by creativitea



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: (actually autistic author), M/M, actually autistic writer, autistic dirk, autistic dirk gently, bi Todd, demi dirk, dirk is a kpop nerd cuz it's canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-03
Updated: 2017-11-19
Packaged: 2018-12-10 11:26:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11690658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/creativitea/pseuds/creativitea
Summary: an exploration of dirk gently as an autistic character(title and lyricbits from  wired differently by the wombats)





	1. Dirk Gently, Dork Loudly

**Author's Note:**

  * For [holistically-gay/hellishnotions @ tumblr](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=holistically-gay%2Fhellishnotions+%40+tumblr).



> I know I'm not alone in reading Max Landis's version of Dirk as a slight self-portrait.  
> I personally also read Dirk as autistic, because I'm autistic and I relate to him a lot. So I'm following in Max's footsteps and writing him as a slight self-portrait of myself. 
> 
> I hope other autistics can relate to how I write him, but I know that being autistic is a different experience for each individual who is. (So those of you who ain't autistic and read this, please keep this in mind when you meet autistic people)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to hellishnotions@tumblr for betaing!

 

>  
> 
> autistic tendencies/symptoms (the ones relevant this chapter); 
> 
>   * not being a good liar/being uncomfortable about lying
>   * not having much control over your volume or intensity/not being very subtle
>   * peculiar fashion (because we tend to wear things we're emotionally attached to or things that are sensory pleasing rather than what is "normal" to wear.)
>   * struggling with understanding and following social norms
>   * different bodylanguage
>   * stimming (doing things that are sensory pleasing or calming; like fidgeting, loud hands, dancing and etc.)
>   * echoing things/copying behaviour (as a way to learn how to act, or as a form of stimming)
>   * not always being able to control your motorskills
>   * needing time to process things
>   * liking making lists that aren't necessarily practically useful (i think i'm proving this one by making this list)
>   * special interests (interests that we are slightly obsessed about learning more about, sometimes kind of weird ones)
>   * either/both being a bit oblivious to references and/or using them all the time (we get the ones relevant to our special interests, usually) 
>   * "honest to a default" (i hate that phrasing of it but; a tendency to say things very honestly and being read as rude despite not intending any harm)
>   * struggling with making friends/keeping people around
> 

> 
>  
> 
>  

* * *

**  
**

Dirk Gently is not a liar (even if a conveniently holding back the truth-er, he is not a liar. At least not a very good one). But his name is.

 

Nothing Dirk does is Gently. He is as subtle as a brick through your window. Which is funny, because that's how he came into Todd's life; through his fucking window. And okay, maybe Todd isn't exactly gentle either, with his hissyfits (Dirk compares him to his kettle; says he heats up and gets loud "which is uncomfortable with anything else, but the sound of your kettle is just a part of your daily routine, and it's strangely comforting!!". Todd doesn't know how to take that, so he decides not to take it in at all. Making sense of Dirk is a full-time job, especially for him; so sometimes he just decides not to translate him at all.), and he did after all respond to the stranger in his window by throwing a shoe in his face....

But Dirk's name is false advertising. Gently should be changed to Loudly.

Also, Todd's phone always autocorrects Dirk to Dork (and it never gets old), so that's what he's saved as in his contacts; Dork Loudly.

Because that's what he is; a loud dork.

(And honestly, not just literally.)

Just everything about him is loud. His loudly colored jackets in every color of the freaking rainbow, how he can never sit still(he's the human version of the energizerbunny), how his face beams up like he's the sun, how the world always seems to be going down in flames around him... you cannot lead a quiet life with Dirk in the picture. And even if Todd is loudly in denial of that; that's probably why he stays in the frame.

 

Todd gets stressed by how the world revolves around Dirk (he's not the center of the universe, but the universe is a tornado that tends to sweep Dirk along with it), which is natural (even Dirk finds it stressing), but it's a life he can't quite escape. He's not even sure he wants to anymore, which is a little terrifying.

 

* * *

 

 

 

Dirk can't dance. This he knows, to some degree. However, he does not care to any degree.

Dancing is fun, and makes his body feel good (knocking over things from his lack of coordination doesn't feel quite as great always, but it's just a part of the deal.). So even if Todd is expressing what he calls "secondhand embarrasment", Todd will just have to deal with it. Besides, Todd gets secondhand embarrased by anything Dirk does, which doesn't make sense honestly; as Dirk does not feel any of the said embarrasment. Maybe Todd absorbs all of it. Like a sponge. Or like the rowdy 3, with whatever it is they soak up. (Dirk has too rarely gotten to see that secondhand, so he hasn't had the oppurtunity to figure that out.)

 

Anyway, Dirk is doing the most fun type of dance; he's watching youtubevideos of kpop-choreographies to learn them. He likes that because it teaches him ways to move to the music that are fun, without the stress of being in a dancestudio with others also trying to learn how to dance. (Yes, he actually knows what that is like from experience.)

He's good at copying movement. Most of his movement with purposes are things he's copied from others. Whether that be his ninjamoves from movies (blackwing taught fighting, but those movements are less fun, and not just for trauma-reasons.), his limited amount of dancemoves, or mimicking the bodylanguage of people around him... it's just something he naturally does.

Some of his bodylanguage is specific to him though, and kind of makes him stand out. He can't help but move his hands and jump around when he's excited, and he can't help but fidget when he's nervous. Or when he's processing. (which is surprisingly often, apparently; considering a lot of what he says seeming like it has not been processed at all, according to most people he's met.)

 

He has a mental list of his favourite things. Not that he has a great memory for general and conventient things, but the information he finds interesting sticks like glue. 

The map in his mind is definitely not a mindpalace, and it's not neatly categorized. He navigates internally more in a... emotional neurosis cottage, and the things he keep referring back to are more like brightly colored post-it notes spread all around it. 

 

Anyway, in there, he also just keeps lists of things he's fond of

(Yes, including Todd. There are definitely post-it's about Todd in there. And they probably have a color as bright as his yellow jacket, because he keeps noticing them before he gets access to the other ones).

But one of the other lists is contains of[ his favourite kpop-jams](https://playmoss.com/en/creativitea/playlist/dirk-gently-s-kpop-bops).

 

* * *

 

They're listening to music in the car, Todd driving, and Dirk choosing the music. 

It's filled with the kpop favourites, but also other bops (like "shape of you" from that guy who looks like one of the lost brothers of Harry Potters assisfriend). 

He can tell Todd does not consider them bops, as he seems to be holding back a groan. 

 

"I like you even though you're a musicsnob" Dirk admits out of the blue, without any malice intended.

But Todd looks offended. "Snob?"

"I am the snob? You're the one filling my cabinet with fancy teas" Todd defensively flips the table. It makes no difference to Dirk, the table looks the same to him even if flipped. He shrugs, not admitting defeat, just giving in because Todd isn't getting it.

The point is that he likes him like that. Particular about what he likes, yet attempting not to say it out loud when he hates whatever Dirk is listening to.

It makes Dirk feel kinda appreciated, in a weird way. That Todd stays even though it seems like he finds everything about him annoying. He's not sure if it means that Todd likes being annoyed, or if he likes being around Dirk to a greater degree than which he is irritated, but either way he's just glad Todd doesn't seem to be going anywhere quite yet.

 

Not a lot of people stick around Dirk.

He used to blame himself for this, but he tries not to at this point. Yes; he is desperate for friends (which he is aware of, maybe even painfully aware), but he also knows he can't change who he is.

He can grow, something that has been proven since he moved to Seattle (these people have a good influence on him, and he feels safe growing here; since they also accept him as he is), but he can't change how he's wired. And he doesn't really want to; because it allows him to have the life he has. Even if it can be a struggle to deal with that life, especially when people don't tend to stick around; he wants the people he keeps around to be there for a reason. Luckily, the universe tends to bring the people he needs into his life for a reason too. 

They tend to find their way back to Dirk if that's what the universe wants, whether they personally want to be in his universe or not (Todd is a prime example of that, though Dirk is unsure whether it was him or the universe who was persistent to keep him around. Probably a mix); and Dirk is kinda thankful for that. The universe can definitely be an asshole with the situations it puts him in. But he's grateful when it does reward him like this. 

* * *

 

They're somehow on the topic of bad dates and breakups. Todd has quite a lot, across genders, but he's able to laugh about it, at least with Dirk. (Todd even reveals one of them was by one of his bandmates, and that said guy was probably particulary angry about how Todd caused the disbandment.) 

Dirk doesn't have much to contribute with; and it's not because he's very smooth; because he isn't. At least not when he's attempting to be.

He just haven't had a lot of mutual interest, not even platonically. (He's attempted to hook up with guys in gaybars, but it's never lead anywhere beyond awkward(even for him) one-night stands that weren't particularly satisfying) 

He does share a few of the stories with Todd, who laughs empathically.

Tries to comfort him with that he kinda hit the nail on the head when he guessed Todd's sexlife had been boring when they first met. Dirk doesn't feel comforted, because he ends up being a little bummed he can't cross the line to imply himself as the sexy coinkydink to break that cycle.

It would possibly be an oppurtunity to be smooth(Dirk can't tell if it actually is or not), but Dirk can't deliver it. Both because that's not where they're at, and because Dirk isn't confident he can keep that promise. 

 

Instead he steers the conversation in a direction to somewhat explain his lack of stories to share.

"I'm used to rejection. I usually push people away when I try to pull them towards me. I try too hard to keep people with me in my chaos, egoistically, so they run from the chaos if the universe lets them. I mean, you would know." Dirk doesn't intend to hurt him with that, but Todd can still feel the sting. Especially because he did try to get away, something that was probably out of habit; but still, Dirk hadn't deserved that. "You know, before you came along I pushed most people away for what I thought was their own good. You were stubborn enough to make me stay." He almost laughs a bit saying that, but his face grows more guilty as he adds. "Well, to come back, at least." But he looks happy when he ends it with "It's not the universe keeping me here, it's you, Dirk".

Dirk cracks a gentle smile, and Todd learns that softness suits him as well; when it's safe enough for him to be calm. "If you don't mind, I'll keep being stubborn then. I'd like to keep you around." Todd wants to hug him, but awkwardly bumps their shoulders together instead, and lets it linger. And then Dirk hugs him from the side. 

 

* * *

 

> _Cos nobody's perfect  
>  Nobody's perfect  
>  Though some, some people get close_

> _Some people get close_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dirk is canonically into kpop(the song he jams out to in the car while eating pizza is by Miss A; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3OKZugFahrc), and since kpop has been one of my longterm special interests; i couldn't help myself but to try to find out what other kinds of kpop jams I think he would like, haha.  
> #sorry not sorry


	2. Sometimes when things happen, they dont happen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so this chapter might be a little triggering! i wanted to bring in some elements of pararibulitus, because i want to further explore that neither of the boys are neurotypical (and there is also some vague elements of ptsd, just cuz i think it's natural he's got that after everything that happened. something i think dirk struggles with too, but not bringing that in just yet)   
> also i think there is slight internalized ableism within dirk here, but don't worry, i plan on helping him towards a better place

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not a full on list of autistic traits for this chapter (there will be more tho, when it feels relevant to bring up more) but there are definitely still autistic things written into this chapter anyway

He can be too loud, too intense, too annoying. Dirk knows this. (He has the feeling Todd assumes he is blissfully unaware, or at least not as insecure about this as he actually is. He would like to keep it that way, even if he most of all wants to tell Todd everything about everything. It's just, in Dirk's eyes; Todd is unbelievably cool. And he thinks that if Todd thinks he is more carefree than he is insecure, maybe he'll be cool in his eyes too. Hopefully.)

But he is aware. Painfully aware, actually. Without the reminders of getting it verbally confirmed out loud and in through his ears and straight into his insecurity, even. 

But he tries his best not to care. He can't help it anyway.

He has as much control over this as he has over where the universe takes him.

It's not like he hasn't attempted holding back, it's just that it doesn't work. He gets excited and just blurts out everything, not sure at what volume or socially appropriate it is.

Holding it in just makes him feel like he's about to pop. Explode like fireworks.

Not the kind you can admire from afar, but the popping ones on the ground that seem like a safetyhazard.

 

So maybe some things can't be changed. (by things, Dirk is referring to himself)

What he can do, however, is to make the best out of it. Just like with what the universe throws at him.

He can try to use it for something good. Like he dives straight into the chaos that follows him anyway, to solve mysteries; he tries his best to just embrace that he's a lot. 

He aims who he is at those willing to recieve it (at least when he has the option to choose), there's been a tendency to blurt at whoever was in close proximity.

Generally, he tends to follow whoever is interesting, interested, both; and at desperate times (for people to follow, that is. ~~Dirk's whole life is a desperate time~~ ) he'll follow someone who is neither. But he's also used to going off on his own, both because he's lead the life of a lonely man, and because he's not always good at keeping track, especially of uninteresting people. 

Luckily for Todd, (or maybe not? Dirk's not sure if he is a coincidence or a coinkydink) something about him is very interesting, despite not necessarily always seeming interesting to the rest of the world. 

Dirk notices the patterns of what makes Todd interesting just as naturally as he does with the universe. 

Everything is connected. (Even when Dirk can't connect the connection between the dots, he knows it will be staring him in the face later. Because that's how the universe works)

 

 

* * *

Most pararibulitus attacks are sensations Todd haven't experienced "in real life" (at least not yet, his new careerpath is kind of unpredictable that way. ) , but this one feels a little too familiar.

Electricity shooting through his body, not like accidents with amplifiers and etcetera, but like pepe the rhino has turned into a little flock trampling him down. Like holding the arrow pulled out of Dirk's shoulder. It would be triggering a traumatic flashback if his body let him focus on anything but the shocking sensations. 

His mind is still just douchey enough to let him have the thought of him faking this and screwing over Amanda lingering in his head, though; and he feels like all this is just karma returning to bite him in the  ass. That he's getting what he deserves. 

 

Dirk's mind however is only having "Fuck!! Todd!!! Medicine!! WHERE?!? shitshitshit" on repeat; and he is definitely freaking out. No need for exploding screens to throw him off edge.

He's usually quick on getting him the meds, but they're not where they usually are, and he's feeling like a horrible assistent ~~(even if he isn't Todd's Watson either)~~. Bad superhero. _Not everything he promises to be._ Incompetent friend. (All very familiar and unwelcome feelings, who rush in and smash everything stable like they'd arrived in a big ol' van with Amanda. Which is ironic, because they'd be better help than he's currently able to provide)

 

It's not in the bathroom or in the drawer on his nightstand. Dirk is making a mess (something he often does, both literally and not, but Todd is usually around to clean it up. but now Todd needs his help, and he can't suffice. everything is loud(especially todd's screams and his own guilt), so the loudness transfers to his hands. As he shakes some of the stress out through his hands, he can filter some of the sounds a little better, and hears a familiar rattle from Todd's pocket. Jackpot!! 

* * *

Todd comes back to normal resting in Dirk's arms. 

And as someone who's usually around the guy probably slightly more than what's normal, he can easily tell Dirk's been panicking. Well, most people probably could, with the flushed face, messy hair and screaming eyes; but to Todd, who's job is basically to keep this guy alive (though admittedly, Farah's better at that part of the job), this face is as familiar as this godforsaken messy flat. 

"You okay?" Dirk checks on him, like he doesn't quite know what else to say. Todd nods, but also groans slightly, so he's not sure how convincing it is. "I'll be fine." he tries to assure him instead. "How about you? " Dirk just looks at him confused. 

"Thanks." he tries instead, gesturing his head slightly towards the medicinebottle in Dirk's hand. 

After a moment of processing (which includes him looking down at his hand for a moment) "Oh, of course."

"I mean, you've got my back all the time, it's only fair" Dirk adds, like he owes him something, making Todd feel even more in debt to him. Which is probably unhealthy, for both of them. They should probably fix that, if they'll ever admit it to themselves.

But the list for things they need to admit to themselves is already a pretty long one. 

* * *

> _Don't tell me I'm flawed_   
>  _My flaws don't deserve it_   
>  _Don't sell us your cures_
> 
> _We're sick and we're worth it_


	3. everything connects

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (there are a few typical autistic traits i wrote dirk with here, but i wanted to keep the focus elsewhere this chapter, so the relevant ones will probably be listed with the ones in the next chapter)

 

 

Todd has noticed it, that the tension between them lately has shifted. That they know they can trust eachother (to a somewhat ridicilous degree sometimes), and that there are few secrets between them. But he has a few secrets, still. That he can tell that the way Dirk looks at him is something else than platonic admiration, or at least not that alone. And that truth be told, he knows he looks at Dirk the exact same way.

He's thought about it; them, actually quite a lot (maybe that's the issue, that he's overthinking it?), but he can't act on it. The last time he was in a relationship he was still a lying asshole, and he doesn't want to be that person to Dirk. And yes it's ironic that he's holding back the truth (especially with their history), but he'd rather be lying to himself than mess up the best friendship that has happened to him. 

So he ignores it, which is getting more and more difficult, as he desperately wants to do everything but ignore it.

And he's certain that's the best idea, until Amanda drags it out of him.

 

Amanda sighs her entire lung out at Todd. 

"Are you fucking kidding me? I mean thank fuck you've stopped lying to everyone else, but it ain't any better to lie to yourself, dude." She gives him a smack on the head, like she's slapping sense into him. "I thought you were done with that after coming out." 

Todd for a minute wonders whether she means when he came out about his sexuality or when he came out about lying, but figures that either way she has a point.

* * *

 

 

 

But he realizes it's becoming hard to act on it once he's settled on the habit of avoiding the confrontation. Stepping around it has become a pattern.

Probably for both of them.

But Dirk is the one who breaks it.

 

Maybe it's Dirk's impatience when he feels restless that brings it out, but it's most likely slightly also because of the drinks they've consumed. 

Todd followed Dirk into the bar because he said something about a hunch, but there doesn't seem to be a case here. Maybe the hunch was just that he needed a drink. 

Maybe that's why he needed to be here. 

 

 

"I'm not good at sending signals, so I'm just gonna be direct with it." Dirk starts, while not looking directly at Todd. (His gaze is swimming around the drink in his hand, as the fluidity of it is calming to look at, while looking into Todd's eyes would be far more confrontational.) 

"I like you, Todd. As more than an assistant and a friend, I mean..." His eyes peek up to try to read how Todd takes it, but he ends up focusing on other features of Todd's face, like the worrybrows that currently look more inquisitive.  
"Uh... and I don't mean bestfriend, though of course, you're that too." He's squeezing a fistful of air with his hand, like a ghosted habit of the squeaky clown-toy he doesn't have anymore, like the gesture itself releaves tension.

The confession as endearing as it is awkward, and it melts Todd's heart as much as it breaks it that the eyes that usually beam in his general direction can't seem to look directly at him right now.

If Todd hadn't already taken the hint, they're surrounded by rainbows (as this is a gaybar). Everything is connected? (almost to a hilariously obvious degree sometimes) 

 

 

But yeah; Todd can read the signals. Dirk isn't exactly subtle. 

So what's been holding him back besides his own hesistance, is that he still on some level doesn't quite believe Dirk actually likes him. It's honestly just like the beginning of their friendship all over. That Dirk's need to keep him around is due to a lack of better options, not that he deserves to be trusted so deeply. Like he's filling in the shoes of something Dirk has been longing for all his life, and it's too much pressure, from someone who's spent a lot of their life settled in the shoes of an asshole. 

"No Dirk, you like who you think I am, or who want me to be, and I can't live up to that. You deserve better than me."

 

This is frustrating. Todd really doesnt get it. 

"Todd, no. You already live up to it,  you're already more than i expected. You're already enough." Dirk tells him stubbornly. But it only makes Todd look sad for him, which is slightly infuriating. Dirk is trying to tell him he's more than enough for him, and Todd takes it as 'I have ridicilously low standards'. Which might be true, but it still feels very belittling that Todd doesn't let Dirk have a say. 

"And how about I get to choose what I deserve?" 

Though in all honesty, Dirk sometimes wonders if he deserves Todd, but for the opposite reason that Todd is trying to argue. Which Todd would probably think was ironic and/or hypocritical, if he knew. Though if Todd knows, that too would be ironically hypocritical, right? 

Dirk never really got irony or sarcasm that wasn't his own, if even then (though he's been getting practice with Todd, which is helping a little), but he's pretty sure this is it. 

 

"At the very least, don't patronize my feelings for you, Todd." Dirk says, sounding slightly annoyed (which is rare, so it always catches Todd off guard.)

"I didn't mean to..." is all he manages to say, but it's enough, apparently. 

"I know," Dirk says calmly, he's not offended, he knows Todd is insecure; and he gets it. But it's still slightly annoying when it gets in the way of what he's trying to communicate, mostly because communicating in a way that lets him be understood has a tendency to already be a struggle. "I like you a lot, but I'm still.. a little sick of your bullshit sometimes, Todd." He looks at Todd teasingly, trying to keep it light.

"I don't feel like this because you're the closest thing I have. You're the closest thing I have because of the way I feel about you."

Todd still looks at Dirk in a sort of sad way, but the pity seems to be fading. 

 

Still, Todd can't help but feel like he's only this person to Dirk because Todd's felt to guilty to leave. He's been wanting to repay Dirk for helping him break the pattern of his own web of lies, helping him wanting to try to be a better person. Though, it's not like he wants to leave anymore. In a way, it's more about being  selfish; feeling like he's not what Dirk deserves, but he can't go back to a life without him, because only Dirk's nonsensical reality makes sense now. So he stays to keep himself sane. (when he first met Dirk, he would deny it all to stay sane, now it's the other way around somehow) Being in Dirk's world means being in the epicenter of how bizarre the universe can get, but helping Dirk solve holistic mysteries makes him feel important. Or at least secondhand-important.  And he's addicted to it. 

 

Dirk has been trying to prove his own importance for most of his life. 

It's been a way to cope with what the universe throws at him. That if he can make sense of the whirlwinds he's thrown into to help people; he can matter. It makes a difference that he's always there if he tries to make a difference. 

Blackwing treated him he could be important, but he never met their standards; which just made him feel worse. So becoming a holistic detective helped, but he was still always alone and noone really believed him all that much, so it was hard to convince himself even though he kept on trying. But with Todd, he actually feels like he could be important, because Todd (at least sometimes) believes he is, while also somehow keeping him somewhat grounded. (to the degree that it is possible, at least.)

 

 

Todd decides to give himself a chance.  
Not because he feels worth it, but because he thinks Dirk is. Because Dirk makes him try to be his best version of himself.  
And if that's enough for Dirk, he'll let him know the truth.

"You know... you're not alone."

 

Dirk looks confused, and thinks he gets it when he tries to make sense of it literally.  
"Yeah, you're here." He smiles like he's a sunbeam. (which it still has not been proven he isn't) 

Todd rolls his eyes with a grin he can't hold back. 

 

"I am." Todd confirms, feeling happy about it. "But also; you're not alone with how you feel. I like you too."

"Really?" Dirk beams brighter, and Todd wishes sunglasses could magically appear on his face. But it's better than an avoidant gaze, even if Dirk is as technicolor as this entire bar with it's rainbows and neon glow.  
Todd shrugs, defeated, still not able to hold back that grin.  
"Yeah. You're annoyingly charming. You keep winning me over."

"Lucky me." Dirk tries to smile secretly into his drink, but there's no secrecy between the two anymore. 

* * *

 

 

> Now anxiety's serving us drinks at the bar  
>  We're two treehuggers trapped in a muscle car

> That's enough for me,

> That's enough


	4. interesting things will start to happen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (i just wanna note that if Dirk is coming across as "innocent", don't worry, i'm not gonna desexualize him(that's a serious problem when it comes to writing disabled characters and is also a problem to how people treat real disabled people), but he is (homoromantic) demisexual and kinda inexperienced in this story, so it's gonna take a little while for it to build up. i am gray asexual myself so i want the asexual-spectrum representation to be accurate too.)

 

 

>  
> 
> autistic tendencies/symptoms (the ones relevant this chapter); 
> 
>   * processing sensory input differently than others
>   * echoing behaviour (it's often how we learn how to act)
>   * relying on social scripts (sometimes just our personal ones, but still)
>   * being naturally quite direct when we want to communicate something
>   * sometimes having a tendency to be insecure (because we often get alienated by society, and it often affects how we view ourselves) 
>   * rambling on about stuff when we're nervous, but also when we're excited
>   * spacing out (and/or having issues paying attention unless very interested)
>   * not having control over volume
> 


Dirk can't believe he was actually able to drag Todd with him to the dancefloor. He'd think it was out of character, if it wasn't so in character of Todd to defy the character he's trying to convince everyone he is when he's around Dirk.

Maybe it was the confession, or maybe it was the next few drinks; but either way, Dirk is happy. Happy and dancing. With Todd. Happy dancing with Todd. What even is his life? Amazing, that's what it is. 

It doesn't even matter that neither of them are particularly coordinated.

Todd clearly has more a sense of rhythm than Dirk, but this is not the kind of beat he tends to jam out to, so he looks just as awkward as Dirk.

But it's not embarrassing to either of them, because it looks cute when they're doing it together.

 

Enjoying himself, feeling happy and wanting to hold onto that feeling; Dirk closes his eyes for a moment, and takes a deep breath. Shutting out the sensory noise, to just process that he's in this moment. And that's when Todd seizes his moment, and Dirk is surprised by the touch of Todd's lips on his own. Dirk's eyes flash open in surprise, but seeing Todd's eyes (so close!!) being closed, he echoes that. He lets out a content sigh into Todd, feeling dizzy.

 

* * *

 

He's a little worried, when he wakes up on Todd's sofa (not that it's the first time 

he's slept there), just because he doesn't quite know the script from here. Todd isn't in his bed, but Dirk can hear the shower flowing. Which is nice, it gives him time to wake up a bit more. 

He starts by making his tea (feeling grateful he keeps some of his favourite types in Todd's cabinet. Consistency of small things like this helps keep him grounded. Well, as grounded as needed to stand; to keep balance, but not grounding in a way that would hold him back. (in a way, Todd has the same effect).

 

Todd proves this effect on him as he enters. 

He's looking at Dirk differently (softer than usual, and with less grump), but like they're still the same. Dirk is just sipping his tea because he's not sure how to bring last night up, but as soon as he puts the cup down for a second, Todd puts his cup on the counter next to it (it's empty and ready, waiting for the coffee to be ready as well), and he steals a quick kiss from Dirk. "Good morning." he says, and it sounds believable, which is strange coming from Todd (he is not a morning person). 

Dirk almost doesn't want to drink the rest of the tea, because the minty toothpaste taste lingering from Todd is refreshing. But after a while he can't help himself, he loves tea too much. Besides, he can steal another taste of Todd, even if he's gonna taste like coffee. 

 

 

Todd moves the pillow and blanket Dirk used to make room for himself on the sofa, and after a little while, Dirk plops down in the seat next to him. 

He keeps quiet, which makes Todd eye him carefully and suspiciously, like he's trying not to say anything. But after watching Dirk tapping his fingers on the cup he's holding for a solid minute, he can't help it anymore. 

"You seem tense." He nudges Dirk's knee with his own, looking like the nervousness bubbling inside Dirk is rubbing off on him. Dirk, not wanting the anxiety he's feeling to create tension between them, he decides to just let it out. This is Todd after all, he can still be Dirk. 

"It's just... Did I force this onto you?" he asks with a pained look on his face, being scared of the answer. Todd just looks confused. "Huh?"

"I persuaded you into being my friend and my assistant, because needed an assistant and i wanted it to be you. Because the universe brought you into my case, and you were perfect. " Dirk bites the inside of his lip nervously, like a little more than planned slipped out there. (he usually doesn't mind if he lets out a bit too much, but in this situation, it matters more to him.)

After looking at him like he's trying to read what that was, Todd just asks, based on how he read what Dirk just said. "Are you having second thoughts?" He's trying to hide the hurt in his voice, to not make it difficult, but it's still slightly present.

"No! Definitely not!" Dirk answer quickly, wanting to clear up that misunderstanding as quickly as possible. "I just don't want you to feel forced into this. I was chasing what I wanted yesterday, not a clue from the universe, I don't want you to think you have an obligation to either me or," 

"Dirk, I know."  Todd cuts him off, smiling. "Like I told you yesterday, I like you too. 

The only thing you pushed me into was making a choice, to break the pattern and take control. But the choice was mine. " 

"I'm here because im your fr.." he stops, like it needs an update. "Boyfriend?" He looks at Dirk quizzingly. "Really?" Dirk's wiggling a little in his seat, like he's vibrating with excitement.

"If you want." Todd's face looks softer than Dirk can remember seeing it before. He nods with his whole body.

Interesting things really are starting to happen.

 

This time, it's Dirk who steals a kiss. And just like he thought, it tastes like coffee. 

* * *

 

 

The next time Dirk steals a kiss is in front of Farah and Amanda, and it's very much in the moment. (but then again, Dirk is almost always in the moment, like it's a copingtechnique to not think about his past or something like that.) 

 

They're supposed to be having a night off(but then again, the universe decides that, not them), but once Amanda asks how the case is going, there is no end to Dirk's rambling on about it. Every teeny tiny detail is important to him, so filtering out what possibly isn't interesting to others is impossible. Besides, he gets so excited talking about it that he isn't able to filter even if he were to try. It all just pours out of him. At one point, getting close to the end of how far they've gotten, Todd mockingly says "Don't forget the ..." because it's the one thing Dirk forgot to mention, and Dirk face just goes blank for a moment before he lights up. That's it!! 

So in excitement and gratefulness that his bestfriend/assistant/boyfriend is brilliant, he  grabs Todd's face with both hands and plants a kiss. "This is why you're my favourite!"

Amanda noticing Todd laughing into Dirk's kiss instead of pulling back and yelling, gives Farah a look. "See, I told you they had hooked up."

Farah looks questioningly at Dirk, who looks over to Todd for a signal of approval to share this detail, and Todd just nods at all of them. Defeated, but happy. 

Amanda nudges Farah with her elbow. "Time to pay up!"

And with a defeated sigh, Farah hands it over.  

 

When Todd gives them eyebrows similar to the Zimmerfield ones, like he's saying "really, guys?" communicating only through eyebrows, Amanda just shrugs unapologetically. 

Dirk isn't paying attention to any of them, just wiggling in his seat, slurping his colorful drink with a straw (while chewing on said straw). He's solved it. He'd be ready to just burst out the door but it would be unprofessional and Not A Good Idea to chase mysteries drunk. (Todd isn't quite drunk yet, but Dirk's drink went to his head pretty fast today) Considering they only just barely get through cases alive when sober, drunk detectiving would just be adding a risk where the odds were less in their favour than usual. Not a good idea. 

 

"I mean, I expect this kind of stuff from Amanda, but not you Farah!"

Amanda grins, like being expecting that from her is considered an accomplisment in her book (which it is). 

"First of all, you and Dirk need to stop always putting me on a pedestal.." Farah begins her arguement, and Dirk suddenly pays attention once he hears his name, but he only chimes in with a confused "Hmm?" that noone really responds to. 

"And secondly.... your sister.... can be very persuasive..." Farah says awkwardly)there might even be a hint of a blush? ), and Amanda's face is even more smug than earlier. She's even wiggling her eyebrows while side-eyeing Farah. And it looks just a bit too familiar for a protective big brother not to pick up on. "Hey wait... are you two...?"

Amanda turns the wigglybrows towards her brother. "Maybe.." She bites her straw (she got the same drink as Dirk, she was the only one in the group up for taking his recommendation), and looks at Farah again. 

 

"See, Todd! I told you!!" Dirk says, a bit too loud. 

Amanda and Farah both shoot Todd a judging look for the conversation earlier. 

"I told you the Holistic Squad had no hetero members!" he finishes.

And they all burst out laughing because it's true and because out of all of Dirk's hunches, this is the most normal one that's ever happened. 


	5. Sometimes it's like you say 'Everything is connected' like it's because you want it to be, and not because you actually believe it is.

 

 

 

 

 

 

> autistic tendencies/symptoms (the ones relevant this chapter); 

>  
> 
>  
> 
>   *  as reading bodylanguage is hard for a lot of us, understanding boundaries without getting them explicitly establish can be hard
>   *  alexithymia (certain difficulty identifying/recognizing your own emotions)
>   *  difficulty expressing emotion
>   *  being touch-aversive
>   *  difficulty processing sentences that aren't meant to be  taken literally
> 


 

 

 

 

 

The lock to Todd's apartment is still broken, and in certain ways, it's quite handy. Like, since Dirk is horrible enough with keeping track of the keys to his own apartment and the office, it's kind of practical that Todd's door is always open (even if involuntairily). Sometimes, it has made it hard to keep the personal boundaries that Todd has a need for when Dirk can burst in at any time; and is very likely that he will (because he tends to want to be around Todd for a lot of the time). So it's been a learning process for the both of them. Todd learning to tell him directly that he needs space, and Dirk to learn when to give him that. And the other way around; Dirk also needs to recharge on his own sometimes, even though he is more of an extrovert than Todd is. It was important to deal with things this way when things were  defined as platonic, but it became even more so when their relationship got explicitly romantic. 

Defining boundaries makes it easier to respect them, for the both of them. 

 

This has also become key for when they experiment with boundaries. 

For example; Dirk is very physically affectionate, but he also has touch-aversive tendencies. (To a lesser degree when safe and with Todd, but the reflexes are out of his control). He might pull back if touched without warning, and as a part of trauma; he tends to strongly dislike controlling bodylanguage like being pushed to go somewhere (few people actually like that unless it's for a kink, something him and Todd has yet to explore... but Dirk tends to react more strongly against it than most people).

It does make it difficult to move through steps quickly, even if he is eager to get closer to Todd as quickly as possible. 

It makes him worried, even if he trusts Todd, and he's showing nothing but patience (when it comes to their relationship, at least). It's just, he's worried he's promised to be more than he can deliver.

 

The pattern so far, is that Todd will initiate something(with warning, so that Dirk isn't unsettled by it), and then let Dirk steal the dominance of what happens for a while until they're settled somewhere in the middle. (Though Todd honestly finds Dirk taking control to be a turn on, so it's not like it's a battle for power he's lost... it's more of a win-win situation) It also feels like the safe way to do things, to keep things at a pace they're both comfortable with. They're both quite touch-starved while also having a need to take it slow, so the mutual push and pull dynamic works for them. On various levels, honestly.  

 

 

 

 

It's the time when Dirk is sitting on Todd's lap, hands all over the place, and Amanda walks in and backs right back out again that they kind of start thinking about replacing the lock with a functioning one. 

 

It's Dirk who gets the fun conversation with Amanda about... establishing boundaries..

"Just because you joined the rowdy 3, you can still knock before you enter." Dirk huffs when Amanda brings up that even though she's glad Dirk makes Todd happy, she'd rather not see it first-hand. 

"I did knock!! You were probably too preoccupied to hear it, I guess." She argues.

"I mean it's fine, it's not like I've never walked in on Todd at the wrong time but.. Just.. please lock the door next time you plan on climbing my brother." 

"You're reinventing the truth! I didn't climb him! He was just... ambitiously fondled..!" Dirk isn't sure why that's what he decided to be defensive about, maybe it's that embarrasment he usually doesn't experience that much of. He does kind of resemble a tomato at this point.

Amanda's eyes rolls to another dimension. (possibly wendimoor?) "Potato, po-tah-to"

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"You could get one of those.. facial recognition type thingies! For your lock, I mean. " Dirk suggests enthusiastically.

Todd doesn't quite share his enthusiasm. "Contrary to populary belief, I do not live in a sci-fi movie. Though you make it hard to believe I don't sometimes."

"What's your point?" Dirk thinks he's got a good idea. It would be safer, maybe it could keep the rowdy gang from breaking in again. Plus, he assumes his face will be programmed into it as well, and it's easier to keep track of where his face is  than where his key is.

"I don't have that kind of budget, Dirk. And I wouldn't trust it. I'm getting a good ol' fashioned key... " Todd explains through a heavy exhale, like he's not really interested in continuing this arguement.

"Boring." Dirk shrugs, unimpressed. "Unless it's because you've got a hunch about some AI-takeover in the near future. If that's the case, I totally get it."

"No, Dirk. It's just cuz I'm boring." Todd fakes a smile, purposely trying to make it look faked. 

Dirk just huffs. 

"I guess that's why I've got you?" Todd tries, and it works. 

"Am I your sexy coinkydink?"  Dirk gives him the most hopeful look. 

Todd laughs, but not at Dirk; just out of happiness. "Sexy quirky-Dirk."

"That was awful." Dirk says, badly holding back a smile. 

"Yeah, I gotta stop trying to talk like you. " Todd isn't holding back his smile when he adds "I'm too boring." jokingly.

"Nono, I loved it!" Dirk says like he means it, with a sincere grin.

And then he places that grin right on Todd's, not breaking the smile as they kiss. (and neither does Todd; in fact, his smile grows.)

Dirk's smile grows too. 

Being with Todd is never boring. 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

The lock has been replaced, but they haven't had the use for it even though it's been a week. Dirk still is there all the time, but there's been distance for a while and Todd hasn't been able to get close, in any form of the word.

Dirk is bummed out, and he doesn't want to talk about it. Or, at least he's acting like he doesn't. Todd has tried giving him space, but that only seems to make it worse.

Todd starts with a soft, hurt "Dirk.."

Dirk avoids looking at him. He feels guilty about it, but it's a defense. 

Todd gives it another try, using his secret weapon.

"Dirk.." he repeats with a terrible british accent.

Dirk has to turn further away while biting his lip not to giggle, but it doesn't work, and Todd notices when Dirk tries to hide it against his own shoulder. 

"Ha! It worked!" Todd says pointing, excited that it worked. But reverts back to normal to say. "But seriously though, you know you can talk to me?" 

Dirk knows. And he knows he should. 

But he's thinking about things that are hard to bring up.

 

"Truthfully, I'm worried I'm the boring one." Dirk finally admits.

"Dirk, if it's one thing you're not; it's boring. " Todd seems shocked that he even thinks that about himself, but tries not to invalidate how he feels. 

"All I mean is...  I'm worried I'm leaving you hanging. I'm sure it's not exactly fun for you that I keep pulling back and that I'm insecure and.." Dirk can notice himself rambling (due to the insecurity he's mentioned, ain't that funny?), but he can't stop it. 

But Todd knows when to stop him. "Dirk. 

Please don't worry about that. You're worth the wait." 

"Ok but... what if I'm not?" Dirk answers in the most timid voice, like he doesn't actually want Todd to hear it.

"No, I mean.. you already are." Todd holds out a hand and lets Dirk grab it, and presses a soft kiss to it. "You shouldn't feel like you owe me anything, you're already enough." 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There's a silence, but not an uncomfortable one. 

Just a quiet moment. And it's rare for them to have that, for a number of reasons.

But it still doesn't feel out of place, it feels welcome.

"I think I need to learn to stop asking myself why you stick around, and just be happy that you do." Dirk admits.  "I don't want to waste the fact that you do."

 

Todd almost smiles. "Why I stick around?" He just looks at Dirk like he's the answer, but doesn't realize it.  

"Sometimes it's like you say 'Everything is connected' like it's because you want it to be, and not because you actually believe it is."

Dirk's not quite sure what Todd means by that, but it still feels like he's hitting the nail on the head, somehow.


	6. tonight i'm losing my layers

 

It takes Todd by surprise when Dirk is ready. 

First of all , because Todd is looking ruffled after their  case and he's just making coffee and humming when suddenly Dirk gives him a Look™ from the sofa he's sitting in, and then slowly  walks over to the door and turns the lock before moving towards Todd with a Purpose™. 

Looking like he's just solved something.

When he finally meets Todd in the middle, he tugs hintingly at the bottom of his shirt, so Todd grabs his hands so they drag the shirt off him.

 

"You sure about this?" Todd just has to ask, not because he doubts his judgement; he just wants to explicitly make sure he's not stepping over a boundary.

When Dirk gives him the look again while nodding vigorously, Todd is about to lose it;

because out of all the looks Dirk flawlessly sport; there's nothing sexier than consent. 

"You can still back out any time you want" Todd lets him know, just in case.

"Do you not want to? We don't have to if you don't." Dirk replies, worried he's stepping over a boundary, ready to take a step back if he needs to.  

"Oh, I _definitely_  want to." Todd says, while definitely shamelessly checking Dirk out.  

Looking at him in the same way he would look at a ticket for a concert he's been in disbelief he's gonna get to go to. "Just making sure you know there's no pressure"

"I know." Dirk grins, "and also, like, ditto."

 

Dirk unbuttons his own shirt (somehow being just as sexy as he is clumsy) and throws it to the side, and Todd hastily reaches out to drag the undershirt over Dirk's head (he looks at it like it's cursed). "You and your goddamn layers, Dirk." he mumbles annoyed.

And even if Dirk already is aware of the fact that he as a weakness for The Grumpface™, but he didn't know he was weak for it in _this way_.

When Dirk's layers are finally all off him, Todd's hands are all over him, and it's bliss for the both of them. Actual Sensory Heaven.

In a way, it does feel like fire like touch sometimes feel like for Dirk, but in the best kind of way. It doesn't sting or burn, it's just warm and has some kind of kindling spark to it. 

 

Suddenly, the rushed mood comes to a halt, because Todd notices the scar from the electric harpoon-gun on Dirks shoulder, and there is a shock of something rushing through him like electricity. It's like guilt and heartbreak, but also a reminder of where it all began. He traces it with his hands, and then places a soft kiss there. 

A lot of the urgency from a moment ago has been replaced with softness, actually. 

 

"I should've never let that happen.." Todd says in a tiny voice, the guilt he's feeling leaking out through it.

"What are you talking about, silly?" Dirk grabs his face by the chin to kiss his silly assistant. "You saved me! You took the shock for me! You were wonderful!"

Todd doesnt seem convinced, but instead of arguing he continues kissing Dirk. Like he's trying to kiss it all better. 

Dirk actually kinda likes his scar, now that it's healed. But he's still not stopping Todd from trying. He can kiss it all he wants. It's healing _something_ in Dirk, anyway.

 

* * *

 

It was honestly kind of out of the blue for Dirk as well, that he suddenly was Ready. He'd been wanting to be ready, because his romantic feelings for Todd were so overwhelming, and he's had Oh So Many fantasies he wanted to make happen, but... like reality has proven before, what he imagines isn't always how it happens.

(but that doesn't mean the way things happen aren't good in their own way)

But just like before, things unfold in it's own time. Things happen when they happen.

Dirk gets piece by piece until it connects. Landing where he needs to be can't be forced, he will be there there when he's meant to.

When he stops cursing how he works, stops rejecting who he is in favour of who he wants to be, it's so much easier to feel in control of what happens.

 

And seeing Todd's hair ruffled from protecting him (like he always does) and smelling the coffee that smells just like Todd's kisses just makes something happen in him. 

He's just struck by how much everything is Todd, and he just wants to do what he does best; and  _make a connection_. 

 

It's not just ambitious fondling, it's being spelled and finally reaching out to what he can't believe is in front of him.  
It's hearing everything he's always needed to hear and having it come from _TODD_ just makes it all worth the wait. 

It's not just Todd that has evolved after he met Dirk, they've both evolved. And now they're evolving _together_.

 

When Todd makes a Noise into Dirk, the urgency very quickly returns. The sensation of Todd echoing into him is... something he has a need to experience again. He tangles his fingers into the beltloops and drags him with him in the direction of the bed. But because Dirk is Dirk, he almost trips and almost drags Todd down with him (which honestly is the biggest metaphor of his life if he's ever encountered one), but Todd stabilizes them and helps lead Dirk the rest of the way. (Which incidentally is how the rest of the evening goes as well.) 

 

Also; once again, Dirk proves to Todd that his name is false advertising. _Loudly_ is a more accurate name than _Gently_ , for sure. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the overuse of ™ and capitalization in this chapter... but it was a Mood™..  
> and also; sorry this chapter is short!! i'll try to make the next one longer


End file.
